Miss Messy-Mind

A (hopefully) short post to express my frustration and boredom of work today. Our Internet connection to the work computers is down so we cannot access any new orders, emails or do any kind of meaningful work. The boss People are off today so I can type this post in relative safety. The whole company is dying of boredom as we have so little to do. I attempted to fix the problems with the internet myself this morning (good old switch it off and on again routine) but to no avail and our tech wizard (still working with Windows 95) can’t come in to “fix” it until after lunchtime.

During my search for the correct cables and plugs, I experienced the usual stabs of annoyance that a business can have been running so long and have such a terrible tech system.

To all cable management fans I am truly sorry in advance…

Anyway, wish me luck for the rest of this, the dullest day ever.

Luna.

My self-care weekend

I made a promise to myself during my worst days of depression, anxiety and isolation last year that when I was able to look up towards the light and the future I would make myself a priority. Self-care, in other words.

Actively practicing and acknowledging the need to care for and love myself.

After a great week last week, I felt it was entirely deserved to enjoy my weekend. Not just enjoy it, but to better myself during it. So my weekends adventures lie ahead!

Friday:

I’d made plans with my best friend Artemis to meet for food and some girl time after work. A great decision!! I finished work slightly earlier so I was able to run a few errands before meeting her, winning! I’d checked my bank account earlier in the day and to my great pleasure I discovered that I’d been granted a refund from my energy supplier! Great news indeed!

As a sufferer of Anxiety and Quiet BPD, one of my biggest fears is a surprising one to most people, women especially! The Hairdressers. I actively put off the appointments where I am forced to sit, accept prolonged, physical contact from a stranger. Having to pay what to me seems like an extortionate sum (no matter where you go) for such an experience is greatly displeasing. The worst part by far for me… The Smalltalk. The need hairdressers have (most of them anyway) to ask questions about work, family, relationships and goodness knows what else whilst faffing around my head is almost more than I can stand! It has been about 2-3 years since my last haircut…

I have digressed (again!)… Anyway. I had this refund, plus some time on my hands. I remembered there was a walk-in salon close to our meeting point so I decided to give it a go! My main thought was that at least they’d wash my hair for me… I hadn’t done it that morning 😦

+1 Self-care point

+1 Phobia fighting point

I DID IT! One small trip for most, one HUGE trip for me. A wash, trim and basic styling for me! What a success!

Artemis met me at the salon and she was so proud of me for facing my fear! We then went together to our favourite restaurant Yo! Sushi… Omnomnom! We put the world to rights and slated her loser of a husband! (Just found out this evening she’s kicked him out!! WOOHOO)

+1 Socialising point

+1 Eating in public point

Saturday:

A wonderful lie-in to start the day. Relaxing and great for an over-busy mind. Didn’t honestly get much done around the house, but I’m taking that as a positive as it’s quite tidy already!

Sunday:

The first Bootsale of the year!!! I know you’re all super excited because I was ecstatic! Artemis is my Bootsale buddy and we go every week where possible! It is a way for us to socialise and also to flex our entrepreneurial muscles! Small scale buying and selling is a very new thing to me but it is certainly enjoyable and profitable too once you get the hang of it! Mostly kids toys in need of a quick clean then can be sold on at a small profit to a new home! With the economy in ruins at the moment people need all the help they can get. So parents getting a bargain for their kids can make a real difference. Also on a nice note, it’s great to know these items are going to a new home rather than in the bin… I think our landfills are quite full enough! Again I digress!!!

My last purchase of the day was an impulse £1 but it has turned out already to be my best buy of the day! A large collection of singles records from the 60’s, 70’s and early 80’s!! Unfortunately they’re not in the best condition but I took the whole lot over to mum and dad’s this evening to show them!! We ended up going through the lot and what memories they brought back from their youth! Lots of new names to me but that just sounds like a challenge to learn more about them!

+1 Family Memory point

+1 Quality time point

It’s definitely time for me to get to bed as tomorrow starts another week! I’m so pleased to be able to share this humble but fantastic weekend with you!

Peace and blessings to you all.

Luna

The Freedom of an Organised Mind

I’m feeling a different vibe today! Good vibes are in the air for certain. I have been thinking for a while about some small tasks I need to complete with regards to home improvements, medical appointments and checking bills and alternative service providers, but life always has a way of pushing these things further and further down the never-ending to-do list!

Unfortunately, towards the end of last year I slipped head over heels into a depressed state that left me unable to work, eat properly or take care of my most basic needs for months on end. Doing even the smallest of tasks like showering or getting dressed seemed to require enough energy to power half the country, which I certainly didn’t have! Since then, thankfully the dark clouds have begun to lift and I can see the Sun peeking through!

Part of the stimulus for this episode is the drawn-out collapse and eventual termination of my first adult long-term relationship. I made the choice to end it and I do not in anyway regret my decision but cutting off one of my few sources of “comfort” was devastatingly difficult. Whilst this at the time felt like the lowest point of my life, in retrospect it allowed me to go through a true turning point which has become a great coping mechanism I employ in as many areas of my life as humanly possible! Organisation.

My wonderful Mum helped me discover this through the act of a full house deep-clean. The day after my break-up she wanted to help distract me and suggested that something she did when grieving or upset was cleaning!

Thus, we set to work. My flat had suffered greatly at the hands of my depression. Dirty dishes, messy surfaces, rubbish and a grand old “floordrobe” being among some of the worst offenders. We put on a Harry Potter Audiobook (which fixes a lot of things I find) and got to it! By the end of the day, the whole flat had been transformed! All the mess and chaos in my living space was no longer causing mess and chaos in my head and that felt wonderful!

Since then, I have endeavoured to keep a better handle on the tidying up and dishes etc which is *touch wood* so far so good!

During my Christmas break from work I decided to take this Organisation to a new level. I love making lists, always have done, and having things written down is a great way to stop anxiety telling me to worry about what I may or may not have forgotten to do at some point!

Christmas Day arrived and to my great delight my Organisational dreams came true! I received a small diary for my handbag, a long calendar for the house and a desk calendar for my desk at work!! So much organising!! I spent the day before I returned to work synchronising these three diaries with important birthdays, events etc so I know wherever I happen to be I know I have access to the same information. Seriously, this feels great, you should try it!!

In addition to all this wonderousness, I made a choice to utilise my time at work during a very quiet day to get rid of some of the annoying monkeys off my back! Made a loooooonngggggg list of small niggly things I needed to do and got a surprising number completed within an hour or so!

Since then, I feel like an invisible weight has been lifted for all these small things are no longer dancing tantalisingly just out of reach.

For me, Organisation is key. Long may the chaotic, anxiety monster be kept on a much shorter leash!

Go buy a diary/calendar now, or a list book… Or all three because why wouldn’t you?! Stationary (especially unused) is amazing! 😂

Over and out!

Luna

A letter to my ex-lover’s Girlfriend…

Once again, here I am with more information to share! This time, a letter to a woman I wish I had the courage to speak to in person… By writing this here I hope to gain courage enough to tell her what I know…

“Dear Shanzi,

You have, I believe, heard of me; although we have never been introduced. I was until recently, your boyfriends lover; I thought it was about time you knew about it!

I have been told you can be very jealous and possessive as a partner and quite frankly your intuition is bang on! I have no idea if he has previously been unfaithful to you but I can tell you with no agenda or profit to gain that he isn’t the man you think he is. He has charmed and talked his way into our hearts and lives and has you believe that he loves you. As a lying, sociopathic narcissist it is doubtful he even understands the concept of love. He is without doubt incredibly intelligent, but he has no concept of what people can do when they have nothing to lose!

I am single, so therefore have betrayed no relationship in being with him. He had me believe he was planning to leave you to be with me instead. He lied. Wanted to have his cake and eat it so to speak. Two sets of open legs are much better than one apparently, who ever said chivalry and loyalty were dead?!

He took the time to get to know me, even to learn about my anxieties so he could better reassure and charm me that he was different and would never abandon me… Lying scum-bag.

He abandoned me at the turn of the year whilst you were abroad with family. They say “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” well this woman has decided to give you a bit of advice. Leave now. He’s done this to me, who knows how many more times it has already happened or could happen again…

I can’t apologise enough for being the one to bring you this news and don’t expect you to thank me for it or to be the best of friends afterwards. I have nothing to lose in telling you what he’s done and it might save you from getting hurt more severely in future.

You may of course not believe my claim and believe I am trying to steal him from you. I can provide both written messages and detailed accounts of his “characteristics” as a lover. I am not proud of my actions and do hope that in time I can earn your forgiveness.

I do hope this will help you start a new chapter in which you live your life to the fullest and without such a cock-womble influencing your decisions in life.

My heartfelt apologies once again.

Best of luck for the future!

The other woman.”

Thank you world. 🌍 Hopefully one day she will know the truth.

May the powers that Be grant me the courage and strength I need.

Luna.

“I think they call it an Epiphany… And that’s a big word!”

Evening!

This comes to you super late and from my bed as I have just had an aforementioned Epiphany!

On a side note in case the title quote isn’t familiar to you, it’s from a song by my favourite band of all time “Bowling for Soup” based in Houston Texas! Big shout out to you guys, you’re awesome!

Right! So my story is this…

I’ve recently been asked what I mean when I say “I’m rediscovering darkened/forgotten parts of my brain” in my journey to recovery from severe depression…

I got asked to explain by a colleague and at the time I had no real idea of how to explain the feeling of awakening and joy that comes when you’re brain comes back to life and light after so long in the dark. I think the analogy I gave her then was “try imagining pure darkness with small clumps of light in certain places, but none joined together… That the lighting up was a literal feeling of new lights appearing in dark spaces and bridges of lights connecting so that less space is left in darkness because the light can spread to more places with strength.”

Unfortunately she didn’t really understand what I was getting at. In fairness it wasn’t a very relatable analogy for someone who has never experienced anything like it.

To my Epiphany! A small but (hopefully) relatable metaphor to describe that feeling…

That intense sensation you get when using the tips of your fingers after cutting back long nails. The skin has always been there but it hasn’t been used for a while, covered by the hard nail. Once the protective nail has been removed, the skin is used again! It can feel again! It sends so many signals to the brain to say “Hey! Look at this feeling right here, this is new/different!”

It doesn’t last for long, but it’s a surprise how something so apparently mundane as cutting your nails can produce such a sensory overload.

I hope this makes as much sense to you as it did in my head, but regardless I hope it gives an Idea of how I feel sometimes in therapy or on a really great day! Like the world is full of light… My brain can’t help but show me!

Good night all.

Luna

When Life seems Tough, go play Ping-Pong in a Gale!

Successfully survived my first day back at work!

I decided to make today an experiment in emotional “tracking”. I find myself experiencing all sorts of emotions; positive and negative and some downright bonkers but I have become aware that I am focusing too heavily on the negative emotions heightened by my depression and anxiety! By the time I’ve finished a day at work I am so drained and exhausted that it is difficult to remember the high points. These are so precious and important to my recovery, I MUST do more to harness their positive effects! Here are some videos to show a representation of what I felt or some association I made to a feeling today…

Moved as fast as QuickSilver this morning. Serious case of the Zoomies!

After seeing to a customer and pretending I was “happy to help”

Had a major energy crash after Lunch, this Sloth is probably faster than I was!!

Overheard the ladies at work talking some truly disgusting rubbish regarding Vaginal cleanliness vs “festering” and tbh, I think I need a decontamination shower so moving swiftly on!

I found a pack of chocolate fingers in my desk so yay for silver linings!

Monday evening also involves me seeing my Counsellor. The things I uncover when I let my mind wander to the untapped/dimmed pockets of my brain are incredible!! Not just saying how something feels to say or do, but to go more in-depth… Discuss How? Why? Volley theories and difficult concepts back and forth like ping pong balls! I had no idea I had the capacity to express myself so freely and WOW it is liberating.

For anyone considering Counselling or feeling sceptical about the potential benefits, I’ll happily admit I was just the same! Doubtful that some stranger could ever tell me anything about myself that I didn’t already know or hadn’t explored during my thousands of hours trapped inside my own head! I am ecstatic to say I was wrong (and think you could be too!) I have gained so much and finally feel like I have found my life’s calling card! Enrolled on a diploma course to become a Counsellor myself at the back end of last year, waiting on a start date! EXCITED!

Safe to say after such a random-ass day I am definitely ready to hit the hay. One last observation to end on… Holy fuck-nuggets it’s pua windy outside!

Until tomorrow lovely people!

Luna

“I’ve got the M-M-M-Magic in Me!”

Good Evening again! Tonight marks the last night of my festive holidays before returning to the world of work in the morning. I thought this evening would be a good time to give you some background on me that may well be interesting or useful for future posts.

Firstly, I hate my job. Full Stop. No ifs or buts about it. I couldn’t admit this to myself until recently but after an honest and frank conversation with an inspirational Lady in my life (I’m sure she will come up again, truly AMAZING!) she made me realise that whilst I try to make the best of everything and stay positive where possible, there is no coming back from this one! I work in a very niche market so I can’t go into to huge amounts of detail in the interests of anonymity. In a nut-shell the basics are as follows:

Small, family business (not my family I hasten to add!)
Produces specific Uniforms from order through production to completion
Run by two partners with their nest of minions beneath (no middle management)
Average employee age: 40-50 years

Ok, so a very basic list I realise but the main problems are not with the business, it could be a wonderful place to work and give a real feeling of fulfilment and satisfaction but under its current management I can’t see it surviving more than another 10 years at the very most! Why do I think this? Simple. The aforementioned average age of my colleagues in a very specialised workplace means that it is likely that many of them will be looking to retire within the next 10 years or so. In and of itself, not a problem! However, when put up against a boss who is unwilling to hire young (20-30 year old) staff because she is firmly (and wrongly) of the belief that “young people don’t want to” work in our industry. Incorrect, entirely. We have two well-respected universities in this city that both offer degrees in the relevant subject area. We would have a queue out the door of people wanting to get experience working with us as it would look great on any CV! In contrast, if required to hire anyone (she puts off the idea that anyone might ever consider leaving) it will undoubtedly be someone slightly later in life who (like the current employees) only have a few years left of their compulsory working life! See the recurring problem here? Yes indeed!

The other major problem (one of quite a few) is that one is penalised for using their brain, should they be privileged to have one!! I count myself as one of a very small number that have more than half a dusty brain cell interested in nothing more than last nights soaps and how “them immigrants” (yes, that is how they speak) are ruining the country. The business has been running (with varying degrees of success) for over 30 years and to my mind any innovations to improve productivity in any area (mine being Computers and Web Design) should be encouraged and taken seriously, rather than penalised and considered a “threat” to the management. Backwards? Yes, I think so too!

I am forced to stop here as I could literally go on for hours! I’m sure in future posts I will expand on some things more and introduce more idiotic business practices I am forced to abide by all in the name of keeping bread on the table (or in my case, Gin in a glass!)

I end my evening writing this post about all these negative things but in reality I haven’t so mentally free in a long time. I have plans to make my 2019 great, I hope this is my start of good things to come. I have been listening to a random YouTube playlist that happen to have covered some of my favourite songs from films, hence the title of this post. I have always loved Choral singing and whilst it is by no means perfect, the “Pitch Perfect” films at least allow me some semblance of feeling like I am back on stage doing what I love. I will keep the Music singing in me.

So I leave you with…

“So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night”
The Sound of Music

Much love, keep singing.

Luna