Drunk on Emotions

It’s night time. I should be asleep; work beckons come sunrise… I’ve been at home the last few days unwell (not the C-virus, thanks for asking). I feel physically better but mentally all messed up. I have so many questions without answers. That’s hard to live with. Most of them the BIG questions beyond our day to day lives that the majority of the Earth’s population (human and animal alike) have the blissful ability to ignore…

Right now I can’t ignore them. They’re beating against my skull like a tribal drum. Constant and never ceasing. The big questions; the why’s, the hows, the what ifs?! How the hell do any of us sleep at night? How do we ever manage to forget the destruction and decimation of life on this planet that we bring about and accelerate EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Some of you may say that this is just because I’ve been left on my own too long… I disagree. I have been given the chance to think about anything… and I can’t face the idea that we all just go about our mundane, routine-orientated lives week by week, year by year until we’re dead! So much to think about, how our governments are screwing with us, they cut funds to those in need; make choices that are sure to put future generations under even more strain than we, ourselves find today. How we’re killing each other in lands far away for what?! Religious differences?! Border skirmishes? Are we content to know that people all over the world are dying because it’s far away from us?? Thinking that if they die, then the planet may last a little longer? The spread of the human race is like a plague. We infect our Mother-Earth everywhere we spread and we cannot keep consuming our planet like this… so right here and now in our 1st world lives we fight to save every man, woman and child, to give them a chance to live… but should we?? As a race, SHOULD WE?!?! How do/should you think? As an individual? As a community? As a nation? As a species?

When I am old (praying to all the Gods that I am blessed to live to be old), I can see the kids of today standing where we stand now, blaming our parents and grandparents for the problems we now face… the climate emergency in all its forms, the political shit-storm that we live as a reality. I want to be able to stand and face them and say I tried. I tried my best for this Planet. That I didn’t bury my head in the sand and watch from the side lines as our choices were made without me having my say.

I’ve come to the realisation recently that I don’t want to have children. I’ve felt this way for a while, just actually facing it and acknowledging it is something entirely different. Along with this realisation came this peculiar little train of thought, I wonder what you all would make of it… Follow me if you will…

In my part of the World, teenage parents are not uncommon. Single parents are not uncommon. Becoming a parent at a young age is more of a norm than I could ever have believed possible. This is nothing new; here’s my twist. The more intellectual members of society here tend to marry and reproduce at a much later age and consequently at a slower rate than those of lower social backgrounds/or those with fewer opportunities for further education/personal development. So… we have a large population of young people having babies in larger numbers… which is economically unsustainable! Surely this type of growth has to be put under some sort of control?! The Chinese system of one child per family certainly has its faults but the idea that we could limit our population growth, especially in poor areas where more children will only deepen people’s descent below the poverty line, surely that has to be considered?! My cousin, for example! She is in her mid-twenties with a 5 year old child… she lives with her younger sister who is now pregnant herself?!? Neither work or are with the fathers of their children?? I know this isn’t uncommon! But realistically isn’t it shocking!!! I would not consider having a child unless I knew I had the means to care for and support that child through the 20+ years that is required by the 21st century system to get to independence. Even then that may not be enough time… people living at home with their parents longer, surely having children without the means to properly support and nurture them is irresponsible on a personal; social and GLOBAL level?!?!?!

The longer I sit here and write the more things come to my mind to say… I can’t say everything… this isn’t the time or the place…

I have been sitting this evening rewatching a tv series I haven’t seen for a long time. Some things I have discussed are as a result of things I have watched… but the rest just needed to come out… I can’t keep it all in!

There’s a post about feelings and love brewing somewhere in my head but that is not to be written about here. Not here, not now. Maybe Luna in the future will have strength that I currently do not.

This probably won’t make sense to anyone (even myself once I read it back more than likely)… but if you’ve stuck with me for this long. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

May your dreams come true and your demons run from the light of your success. Until next time, dear friends.

Luna xXxXx

Splitting Ends

Greetings from the other side of the Mountain friends! Sorry to have been away so long but my Mental Health took such a dip I went internal and am only just starting to re-emerge as a new (and hopefully healthier and stronger) reincarnation of Luna. I have taken some much needed time off work (to my bosses dismay and shock) and I have returned to them purely to maintain the payments for my mortgage… I am hunting for a new job still and hope to be employed elsewhere (or maybe training for something new) soon!

So much has happened since the last time I sat down to write that I really don’t know where to begin, if at all! Is it worth reminiscing over a months worth of poor mental health?

YES. Ok, not quite like delving into the quagmire of depression but there were certainly some light points in amongst the dark times and those are worth noting, documenting and remembering! Especially should I fall into darkness again, I will have these memories to look back on…

Family time. So precious. So underappreciated, squandered or put off till later… I am extremely lucky to have a family that loves me dearly and try their best to help me (even when some don’t fully understand what’s wrong). As per a tradition my parents have started since retiring, they go to see my paternal Aunt and Uncle once a week so they can enjoy mutual hobbies as men and women, then come back together in the evening for a meal and some quality time. Why is this relevant? Well, during the time I was off work, my task was to conquer my anxiety and not recede inwards too much. My parents very helpfully offered me outings and meals with them to save me from my usual lonely existence. One such outing, was this regular family day out. Four became five for a few weeks and what wonderful days out they were!

I am back again… I think… determined to actually publish a post. Out of all the “odds and sods” I have written since September this is the post that seems most appropriate to me right now.

Still healing; still job hunting; still trying to find my purpose in all the madness…

I truly hope to be back to writing more regularly as a method of helping me arrange my mind.

Oddity Readers… thank you for being here on this journey with me. All my love, Luna xXx

Self improvement

Hi guys! I know I’ve been super quiet lately, I must have started at least a dozen posts but haven’t finished any or gotten around to posting. This is a small post with a request for help. I have entered my first ever photography competition and would greatly appreciate any votes towards my submission. The link is below, I hope you like it!

https://woobox.com/8oni8s/gallery/uCthLO-5RYk

Thanks in advance! Have a great 2020 everyone, may it bring peace, happiness and fulfillment to all.

Luna xxx

Smashed Screens, Children’s Puzzles and Alan Turing

The Imitation Game.

What a game it is. Or was. Perhaps still going on… Who truly knows..?

I write to you today from a new screen. My phone had an altercation with the kitchen floor and decidedly came off worse. So here we are, new screen to ensure my continued connection to the digital world to which we are all enslaved in some way… For me, the screen helps me make some extra pennies; not a lot granted, but enough to help make ends meet at the end of the month…

How do your screens enslave you? What barrel have they got you over..?

I haven’t mentioned my screen job much before this as it’s my down time as well as an earner. I’m basically an up-cycler, or re-purposer of 2nd hand goods. We throw away too much. Too much time, money, resources and energy is sent to landfill needlessly. I’m doing a very small part to help stop that. I don’t know about you, but up until recently I wasn’t a great fan of buying 2nd hand from Charity Shops or Boot Sales… Dirt, Germs, not clean… Words I told myself were reason enough to always buy new. Reasons not to rummage through a box of hidden treasure… I am truly pleased my mind set has changed on that.

For example; If I can buy a teddy bear, an unloved Bear in need of a new home, why on Earth would I not take him home, give him a trip through the washer, then find him a home with a child who needs a friend?! Not all parents can afford new things these days, so giving people the opportunity to have nice things, like a brand new looking teddy bear, for a fraction of the price AND to keep it out of landfill, surely that’s got to be worth doing, right?

Alan Turing… What a man. One of my favourite go to films is the Imitation Game. Last night (when this post began) I needed something to listen to and engage my brain, so hearing about the work of Alan Turing and his marvellous machines, commonly known as Computers today! If you haven’t watched it, PLEASE do. World War 2; Bletchley Park; Enigma; Code-Breaking!! SO MANY IMPORTANT THINGS.

Enigma, the biggest puzzle of our lifetime. 159,000,000,000,000,000,000 (159 Million, million, million) possible settings to check every day… He cracked it. Technology vs. Technology. What a mind it must have taken to fathom such a large system AND make it work in practice?!?

I think I’ll just stick to my jigsaws and Suduko puzzles 😂

Have a great weekend everyone, much love (especially to all you “odd ducks” out there)

Luna xXxXx

Altered Perspective

Look at this. Just take a few moments out of your life to truly SEE what this picture shows us about the shiny, polished and idealised social media-run World we live in.

We envy the lives of others we see online. We wish away our own lives wanting to live like that person we follow on Instagram… Lies. Altered perspective.

Do you alter the perspective of your life for the benefit of social media? I’m pretty sure we all have at some point… Sadly.

My life isn’t glamorous. Not by a long shot. My life is entirely sufficient for my needs, I have a home of my own, a roof over my head and sufficient money to maintain it. That’s a very lucky thing. My mental health isn’t great but I am learning to manage it better. I have a wonderful family and support network of close friends. I hope the life that people see of me online doesn’t cause jealously or envy… My heart wants to leave this world leaving it better than I joined it, helping wildlife and conservation of our planet… Living a sustainable life and helping others to do the same.

If there is someone who’s life you desire. Take a step back, look at the bigger picture and you may well realise your life is by far superior. You have things others desire. Live YOUR life. Make the best decisions you can, be kind and help others if your situation permits it.

Love to all, be your best you. Luna Xx

Give Boosters like Smiles

I found this on my Facebook feed earlier this week but it related as someone at work had asked me something to this effect a few weeks ago after having heard me compliment a customer on their Doc Marten Boots. I am a huge fan of them so of course I was going to give a fellow wearer a compliment on their awesome choice!

This co-worker simply couldn’t understand why I’d done it, just repeating “but you wouldn’t expect someone to say that to you in the street…” I tried to explain that it’s that exact way of thinking that causes so many social issues and anxieties these days. We see so many people being criticised for fashion choices, life choices etc etc!

Why can’t we just give each other a bloody break?!?!?!

I will keep complimenting people where I see awesome things to comment on; a Bus Driver’s awesome painted finger nails; a girl’s rainbow perm hairstyle in the street… Give it a go everyone, a stranger’s smile is so heartwarming! Build someone up today, you never know how much someone may need/appreciate it.

Love a little more, fight against hatred/injustice wherever you see it. Be awesome human beings!

All my love friends, you’re awesome!

Luna Xx

Visions of Disaster

Help. Can’t stop. Everything is collapsing, falling around my head in a tidal wave of noise and motion I have no control over…

I missed a dose of my anxiety medication earlier this week (due to a fault on behalf on my pharmacy) and I have been a mess ever since. My head feels like it’s going 10’000 miles an hour and everything is crumbling around me as I’m running to keep up with everyone else enjoying their normal-speed existence! My eyes are jumping from thing to thing, my hands are shaking and twitchy. I have no control over the speed of my thoughts or my breathing or anything going on around me.

In my head I’ve had at least five accidents already today whilst sat safely at my desk, being in a bottle aisle of a shop and knocking a shelving unit over. Covered in broken glass, blood and shame for being so clumsy… Running away to hide my embarrassment and lick my wounds in private. Seeing images of people having accidents; simple sounds deafening me to the point of having to run out of the room to escape. I can’t stop all this. Please help. I haven’t felt this afraid in my own head for so long, it’s terrifying, everything is crumbing, breaking and nothing I do can fix it.

Anxiety you absolute bitch, why won’t you let me be?! This is not how my World is, I know that, so why am I sitting with a racing heart, sweaty palms and a brain working at lightspeed?! Nothing is true, everything is permitted. A phrase repeating, music jarring, stomach clenching pain.

People look at me and talk about me as if I can’t hear their words, are they talking about me? Am I mishearing? Am I crazy? People tell me it’s not me, but their hatred beats at the inside of my skull like a drum beat. I want to be alone, but want to be comforted. I want the noise to stop but can’t face all my thoughts alone, they will be waiting for the noise to cease to begin shouting untruths at me. Are they untruths? Am I a terrible person, hiding behind noise to stop hearing the voices of truth of my despicable human nature?

Writing in real time is insane, no time to stop, re-read or edit. Whatever comes out of my fingers from my battered brain is here for all to read. I HATE this panic, nothing helps, nothing slows the impending doom I know is lurking somewhere out of sight. I sense its presence, whilst everyone else is oblivious to it. I want to shout out for people to run, to hide, to cherish their children and families before disaster strikes as my heart is telling me it will!

I’m sorry to anyone I have ever wronged, those I have not properly loved in this world, I pray to Odin that I can be forgiven and be received by the Valkyries on and earn my seat in Valhalla.

Help me. I beg of you. My world is falling apart… please. Don’t leave me alone where the darkness dwells…