A sentiment I have been meaning to share for some time with you fellow Oddities. I have this little gem written on a Post-it stuck to my monitor at work so I can see it at all times. A post in the making for over a year now, never the right time, until today it seems…
I am a firm believer that now I better understand my mental health conditions and its problem areas, I can separate these issues from my conscious brain. If that doesn’t make sense, in other words I mean… I am learning to separate my feelings of anxiety from my surroundings and acknowledge them as such.
When I find myself stuck in a depressive cycle everything can feel extremely overwhelming. Having some sort of coping mechanism to separate some of the fog and noise from every day life and can be looked at from a safe distance, as a police officer looking at a suspect behind a two way mirror.
Look at it; investigate from a safer distance; observe its patterns of behaviour… What triggered it? Is it something that could be prevented in future? What side effects occurred because of it?
One of my worst triggers is noise, that is abundantly clear. Too many sources of noise; too much noise; erratic or unpredictable sounds. All make me want to turn the volume level down to 1… barely audible… a whisper… a level at which I can separate the levels and examine each in turn. Some music? Ok, yeah, that’s not hurting us. Let’s run with that. Some workplace machinery? We can’t make that stop but we know at break time everything will go nice and quiet and we can sit away from people and enjoy the tranquility. Chattering colleagues… well there’s a tricky thing. The loud ones next door aren’t going to shut up… I’m as insignificant as an ant to them and their soap-opera fuelled garbage… Hopefully the people closer to me will be more understanding if I choose not to partake in gossip and idle chat? Maybe. A challenge I have yet to conquer.
The more grammatically observant among you may have noticed the change in my use of first/third person references to myself/ourself in the last paragraph. This is another aspect to my mood and my mind I feel is relevant here. Sometimes I feel a bit like Gollum and Smeagol from JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings books… two personalities stuck inside one body that talk, interact and co-exist within a single being… I only noticed this myself once I had re-read the paragraph and realised this is another method I use to separate my mood and my mind. I give it a unique personality or persona.
As I mentioned at the start this post has been sat in my drafts for a very long time, getting edit after edit.
I doubt this has much relevance or meaning to most, but it seems imperative that I try and get this concept across in some form or another…
Your mood in one moment is not who you are. It does not define you. Fear, anger and pain will come and go the same as happiness, joy and love. Find your balance somewhere amongst the mess and make yourself a nest there. That is you. Enjoy being you. No one else is youer than you, that’s truer than true. A line I’ve heard but have forgotten its origin…
Enough ramblings my dears. Go let your light shine on your day and make it spectacular! Much love to you, my Oddities!