Help. Can’t stop. Everything is collapsing, falling around my head in a tidal wave of noise and motion I have no control over…
I missed a dose of my anxiety medication earlier this week (due to a fault on behalf on my pharmacy) and I have been a mess ever since. My head feels like it’s going 10’000 miles an hour and everything is crumbling around me as I’m running to keep up with everyone else enjoying their normal-speed existence! My eyes are jumping from thing to thing, my hands are shaking and twitchy. I have no control over the speed of my thoughts or my breathing or anything going on around me.
In my head I’ve had at least five accidents already today whilst sat safely at my desk, being in a bottle aisle of a shop and knocking a shelving unit over. Covered in broken glass, blood and shame for being so clumsy… Running away to hide my embarrassment and lick my wounds in private. Seeing images of people having accidents; simple sounds deafening me to the point of having to run out of the room to escape. I can’t stop all this. Please help. I haven’t felt this afraid in my own head for so long, it’s terrifying, everything is crumbing, breaking and nothing I do can fix it.
Anxiety you absolute bitch, why won’t you let me be?! This is not how my World is, I know that, so why am I sitting with a racing heart, sweaty palms and a brain working at lightspeed?! Nothing is true, everything is permitted. A phrase repeating, music jarring, stomach clenching pain.
People look at me and talk about me as if I can’t hear their words, are they talking about me? Am I mishearing? Am I crazy? People tell me it’s not me, but their hatred beats at the inside of my skull like a drum beat. I want to be alone, but want to be comforted. I want the noise to stop but can’t face all my thoughts alone, they will be waiting for the noise to cease to begin shouting untruths at me. Are they untruths? Am I a terrible person, hiding behind noise to stop hearing the voices of truth of my despicable human nature?
Writing in real time is insane, no time to stop, re-read or edit. Whatever comes out of my fingers from my battered brain is here for all to read. I HATE this panic, nothing helps, nothing slows the impending doom I know is lurking somewhere out of sight. I sense its presence, whilst everyone else is oblivious to it. I want to shout out for people to run, to hide, to cherish their children and families before disaster strikes as my heart is telling me it will!
I’m sorry to anyone I have ever wronged, those I have not properly loved in this world, I pray to Odin that I can be forgiven and be received by the Valkyries on and earn my seat in Valhalla.
Help me. I beg of you. My world is falling apart… please. Don’t leave me alone where the darkness dwells…