Huddled in the Dark

The title to this post is more a description of my current position than any clever metaphor I could come up with…

So yes, I am huddled on the sofa, under a blanket. In the same place I have been for the last 3 hours… And the room has darkened around me. The curtain isn’t closed, the light hasn’t switched on but still I sit here cold and alone. It’s evenings like this when I wish I had someone or something living with me… A pet, what a wonderful prospect!

Anyway, my main reason for considering this post… I’ve been thinking for the last few years that I should really find out more about my paternal grandparents, whom I have never met. Both died long before I was born but as the “elders” in my father’s side of the family (who are all local to the area I have grown up in) I have been feeling somewhat ashamed of my adult self approaching 30 without much idea about either of them. I didn’t even have the courage to ask my own Dad where they were laid to rest. I knew they had been cremated but I couldn’t bring myself to ask him, their Son, about such a simple thing.

My Great Aunt’s funeral was last week and what a turn out she had! So many grandchildren and great-grandchildren all with her extremely dark hair and pale skin. A very bonny bunch all in all! My niche group of the extended family decided to go for a meal rather than to attend the wake as we didn’t entirely feel like we would fit in with the rest of the family. I took the opportunity to ask my Aunt about my Grandparents… Asking almost sheepishly, if they had headstones or a marker in a cemetery somewhere… I want to pay my respects to them although I do not entirely know why… Given I never knew them. If they were resurrected for a day and passed me in the street I am ashamed to say I probably wouldn’t recognise them. She answered me very calmly and without judgement (given I was close to tears) that their ashes had been scattered and that she couldn’t remember where… Gone. Just like that. Shocked doesn’t do my reaction justice, the idea that there is NOWHERE to go for me to pay my respects. The only grandchild they never met. I had a poor relationship with my maternal grandparents (my grandmother in particular) so I was hoping to be able to show some respect and make amends with my past.

Can anyone suggest anything that I might be able to do, as a tribute to them, given I have nowhere physically to go? I’m not a religious person so it shocks me slightly that I should even want to honour two people who (scientifically speaking) are dead and gone… I am sad to be dwelling on this for so long. And sadder still that I cannot speak to my Father about his parents. This is something I NEED to work on changing.

How do you in your country/culture, honour those whom you have lost?

Seven Blessings to you all,


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