Pass the Gin and Tonic, everyone come join me! What a day!!
I am feeling very in-tune with my inner yo-yo today. Up and down and up and down, feel like asking whoever is pulling my string to give it a rest already!!!
Mum has been over to visit today to help with the monumental task of… taking down the Christmas Decorations… dun dun duuuuuun!
My dislike of change combined with dust allergies and being allergic to some chemical on my artificial tree makes for an entirely unpleasant experience. In essence, the process is simple: remove decorations from tree and assorted surfaces; pack in boxes; dismantle tree; put away! Lovely. That feels manageable. However… add in a few extra steps (courtesy of mother hen), low blood sugar and enough noise to induce an anxiety attack, I am very pleased to be sitting here with a Gin and Tonic at hand (Hendrick’s and Cucumber Fever Tree tonic, in case you were interested).
I love my mother very dearly and you will never hear me say otherwise. However, when it comes to cleaning/tidying/organising our relationship is “Stretch-Armstrong’d” to the limit!! I don’t know if it is a regular occurrence in most homes to dust all ornaments prior to packing them away but this just seems an entirely pointless exercise to me. In addition to this I had forgotten one of the most stressful elements to the whole procedure… removing the lights… WOW, never again! Next year, I shall be purchasing a pre-lit, easy assemble tree. After today I can’t face looking in the sales to see if there would be a bargain tree to be had, however come December I may regret this! #tightwithmoney
This blog is supposed to be a way of me expressing and explaining my anxiety in more detail, however so far I have found that rather more difficult than I first thought. I had an extreme anxiety attack during the cleaning/tidying process this afternoon which knocked my confidence massively and drained me of most of my remaining energy. Mum was putting things away in the kitchen and talking to me in the living room; I’d been moving furniture back to its original position and there was a cassette (Artemis Fowl: the Arctic Incident) playing in the background as I generally find listening to stories calming. Somehow all the movement and noise built up in my head until I couldn’t hear anything except this impenetrable noise.
My diagnosis for anxiety and depression are still relatively new to my family, having kept it to myself for a time. Mum in particular seems to struggle with my attacks as she doesn’t understand how to help which must, as a mother, be very frustrating. She does try but occasionally she does snap at me if I seem unable to control myself (for example my breathing or trembling) as if I can control it. Unfortunately I cannot, at least not yet.
Having asked how she could help me calm my mind we set about one of the most (seemingly) pointless and time consuming tasks of the day. One which I hope I never need to repeat:
picking artifical tree “tinsel” out of my living room rug.
Yes, you read that right. I had made my own Christmas Wreath this year and when combined with all the bits that had come off the tree the rug was rather a mess. For some unknown reason the Hoover was less than useless against these small green demon strips so instead my poor long-suffering mother and I sat on the sofa and handpicked out as much of this stuff as we could. Never again. We even started singing songs, changing the words of one of Les Miserables greatest songs: “Red and Black.”
“Green, the tiny demon bits; Grey, the colour of the Rug!
Green, my feelings of disgust; Grey, the fuzz that’s in my BRAIIIIIIN!”
(I hope my lyrical genius has been duly noted here and any musical job offers will be treated with the greatest seriousness!)
To my great relief everything was concluded by mid-afternoon and I came across this little brain teaser on my Facebook news feed! Gave me a good distraction from everything that had just happened that’s for sure!
Following all this excitement, anxiety and confusion, mum took me to the local Aldi (to ensure I actually had something in to eat, ain’t she canny?!)
The main point to adding this element to my post is when waiting to go through the check-out I noticed a sign that I had never seen before. I don’t know if you are familiar with the usual Aldi packing procedure (basically, they scan your items through at the speed of light then you pack them into bags on their special packing bench next to the tills), which for most people is fine! I like the system, its time efficient and takes some of the stress out of the checkout scramble. Reverting back to the aforementioned sign, it read as “Ready, Steady, Pack!” In itself, not a stressful statement and a guide to new customers to pack their items here rather than at the till. However, from my point of view, it subconsciously added a whole new dimension of time-constraint stress to it, as I now felt that if people were watching to check my bag packing speed when compared to that lady next to me who arrived 5 seconds after me (you get the idea)! My point being, isn’t it strange how something so simple can be construed by our Brains in such a hostile way!
Fuck you anxiety!!
Nighty night readers, kick ass tomorrow and be awesome!